We were discussing my last journal entry today, Luse and I. He said something out of character - I'd been expecting a scolding, to be honest, but instead he calmly and rationally said that he understood how I felt.
Death is light as a feather, Duty heavy as a mountain.
I was somewhat amazed, because that's EXACTLY how I felt. I felt tired. I felt used up. I felt that shouldering my pack and marching another weary 30 miles was fast becoming more than I could face.
Death is light as a feather. Surrender. Sleep. An ending to the pain. A sword day, a broken-sheild day and the ruin of the world. The only way I will ever lay down my arms, and the only way I will achieve my duty and atone for my failures. As an Angel. As a protector. As a friend.
Duty is heavy as a mountain. Because my duty now is to make good for the War and Rebellion. To ensure mankind is shepherded towards its destiny. To ensure that the Angels are there to inspire and protect them again. To make sure that the Celestial war no long rages on human soil. Give them back their world. Serve my lord. Protect my lover.
The two conflict.
Luse was speaking of the time after we win. I don't mean to suggest that he does that often - he knows that first we must win. But I felt no connection, no pull to discover and discuss. I did not care. The world that we fight for must have no war in it - the ruinous power that consumes mankind's greatest works and bends all his developments and achievements. There must be an end to the beast that ravages mankinds best and brightest, consumes his treasures and corrupts his youths.
And a world without war must perforce be a world without warriors.
I finally understand my task. I know what it is that I must do in the coming fight. I must fight to preserve Samael's vision for humanity and the world, yes, but all our faction must do that. My task. The special task that only I can do, and that I must do to finally earn the right to set aside my mountain - I must put an end to the Creator's most dangerous experiment.
I must kill the Malhim.
I must meet my brothers on the field and slay them. I must ensure that none escapes this purge, for a single warrior does not go idle for lack of an enemy, he merely builds a bigger empire. And when I close the eyes of the last of Heaven's Malhim, I must dispose of the final monster on earth. The one that is known as Apolloin.
Only when I have done this will mankind be free. Without this, all the rest of what we aim to do is useless. I must begin my preparations - what I propose is not going to be a simple matter of resolution and will, I must reclaim all my lost power, to the last drop. I must hope that centuries of unemployment and neglect has dulled the sharp edges of my brothers, like abandoned blades.
Only then can I set aside my mountain and embrace my feather.