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Death is as light as a feather, Duty as heavy as a mountain 
5th-Dec-2006 01:45 am
Apolloin, Apollyon, Abaddon, Apollo
We were discussing my last journal entry today, Luse and I. He said something out of character - I'd been expecting a scolding, to be honest, but instead he calmly and rationally said that he understood how I felt.

Death is light as a feather, Duty heavy as a mountain.

I was somewhat amazed, because that's EXACTLY how I felt. I felt tired. I felt used up. I felt that shouldering my pack and marching another weary 30 miles was fast becoming more than I could face.

Death is light as a feather. Surrender. Sleep. An ending to the pain. A sword day, a broken-sheild day and the ruin of the world. The only way I will ever lay down my arms, and the only way I will achieve my duty and atone for my failures. As an Angel. As a protector. As a friend.

Duty is heavy as a mountain. Because my duty now is to make good for the War and Rebellion. To ensure mankind is shepherded towards its destiny. To ensure that the Angels are there to inspire and protect them again. To make sure that the Celestial war no long rages on human soil. Give them back their world. Serve my lord. Protect my lover.

The two conflict.

Luse was speaking of the time after we win. I don't mean to suggest that he does that often - he knows that first we must win. But I felt no connection, no pull to discover and discuss. I did not care. The world that we fight for must have no war in it - the ruinous power that consumes mankind's greatest works and bends all his developments and achievements. There must be an end to the beast that ravages mankinds best and brightest, consumes his treasures and corrupts his youths.

And a world without war must perforce be a world without warriors.

I finally understand my task. I know what it is that I must do in the coming fight. I must fight to preserve Samael's vision for humanity and the world, yes, but all our faction must do that. My task. The special task that only I can do, and that I must do to finally earn the right to set aside my mountain - I must put an end to the Creator's most dangerous experiment.

I must kill the Malhim.

I must meet my brothers on the field and slay them. I must ensure that none escapes this purge, for a single warrior does not go idle for lack of an enemy, he merely builds a bigger empire. And when I close the eyes of the last of Heaven's Malhim, I must dispose of the final monster on earth. The one that is known as Apolloin.

Only when I have done this will mankind be free. Without this, all the rest of what we aim to do is useless. I must begin my preparations - what I propose is not going to be a simple matter of resolution and will, I must reclaim all my lost power, to the last drop. I must hope that centuries of unemployment and neglect has dulled the sharp edges of my brothers, like abandoned blades.

Only then can I set aside my mountain and embrace my feather.
Comments 
5th-Dec-2006 09:54 am (UTC)
If you are looking for a scolding, this is the right way to go...

How selfish you are to leave any duty after the resolution to others. If we can change the fate of this world so bent on destruction, then it must be easy for me -an angel of fates- to change yours.

It was a long time ago that you were a true malahim, and you have managed to developed a conscious and free will. The path you are on leads not only to a brighter future for the world, but to a brighter future for you - where you may choose what you are without boundaries.
5th-Dec-2006 12:23 pm (UTC)
What if I don't WANT to develop a free will?
5th-Dec-2006 12:47 pm (UTC)
Then I expect you to follow my orders, never second-guessing me or coming up with additional suicidal objectives! Do you want me to be a tyrant? Is that all you know?

Just choose once: do you want to join my cause, or is it all too much for you? Our task will not end when those that would destroy earth are dead and gone, but when we've rebuilt paradise. And what a paradise it will be!

Maybe letting you into my dreams was my mistake..
5th-Dec-2006 04:45 pm (UTC)
*growls* Is there no middle-ground between being adrift or being opressed? How can I possibly rebuild a paradise that I have never known - save for a few minutes in one of your memories?

How am I supposed to yearn for something I don't understand and have never experienced. Paradise. Freedom. These are just words for me. Either explain them better or do not strike me when I don't understand you.

I seek the best for them - just like you do - if my vision is abhorrent to you, then give me some CHOICES, so I can choose! You've never spoken to me of HOW we are to win this war without fighting a battle. You've never told me HOW we are to awaken mankind's intuition as to their potential.

You compliment me for making progress in one breath and then smash me down to the ground as an inflexible, unchangeable automaton the next. Which am I? What do you REALLY think?
7th-Dec-2006 09:25 pm (UTC)
Anonymous
Luse is one for riddles, but what else is new. And maybe his goal is good, but not the road he travels.

Oh and Luse.... Ha...haha....BOEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh and in case you didn't figure it out. It's me Deacon. I've been gone waaaay to long it appears.
7th-Dec-2006 10:05 pm (UTC)
Deacon! You've been gone from these parts WAY too long, as you said!

When you get back properly, we'll have to hook up for coffee and a damn good brawl. I'm looking forward to it!

7th-Dec-2006 09:55 pm (UTC)
How will we do all that, you ask? By taking the time when we have it. And if a War need be fought to earn us this time then so be it, but to do battle is not my goal.

I do hope you are able to imagine a world without the threat of destruction. Why throw away your life for something so meaningless as glory or fear of your own nature? For I can't be certain which of those two is your true motivation.
7th-Dec-2006 10:03 pm (UTC)
That's rather rich coming from you. You've run from your celestial nature so hard that you talk of purging it from you to fully embrace mortal magic.

I'm not sure if I can imagine a world without war. I've never known one, unlike you. Which is why I wish the choice to start one in the first place had been mine and not yours - I might have chosen differently.
7th-Dec-2006 10:10 pm (UTC)
Anonymous
Luse you say "by taking your time" than why are you wasting yours as well as ours.
Get on with it already.

Deacan
7th-Dec-2006 10:14 pm (UTC)
Anonymous
The Luse or should I say Sammuel I knew refilled in battle. This shadow is nice, but will disappear as soon as the light of battle arises.

Deacan
18th-Feb-2011 01:49 pm (UTC) - Nice blog
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